Author: Jason Cox

“Nobody’s perfect, Dad!” My highly engaged and enthusiastic 8 year old daughter, with hands on her hips, would look right in my face and remind me of that.  She was poised and ready to recite Disney Channel’s Hannah Montana’s song, “Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days.” We had been in the midst of cleaning and picking up the house and I had provided some, at least in my mind, important feedback on what was lacking in our effort. I fully admit that my obsession with the details and doing things well often spills over reasonable limits. My kids have been exceedingly helpful in providing feedback in this area. I can’t help but be reminded of my own experience with my dad too. Ever the engineer, he was passionate about “planning ahead” and “giving attention to detail.” It would often be punctuated with commentary and head shaking analysis of the work done by my sister and I. He had great intentions but there were times where it landed poorly. I do credit him with inspiring me to work hard and pursue perfection.

I have been incredibly blessed to have had two dads. My bonus dad, my step-father entered my life when I was 12 years old. He was the polar opposite. He definitely modeled working hard but he placed a high value on people, empathy and mercy. He would echo my youngest daughter’s reminder that everyone needs some grace and consideration.  We are all guilty of miss steps, mistakes and mess-ups. He would remind us how people are the most important thing and we need to live, love and laugh.  As we approach Father’s Day in the US this coming weekend, I am reminded of how incredible both of these men were in my life and how they helped shape who I am today. They taught me a lot, and I miss them both.

Speaking about people and perfection, I learned that I’m people too and I’m not perfect. I know, shocking!  It’s true. It took me a while to come to terms with that. We often set ambitious goals for ourselves or others, but we also need to remember that it is okay to miss the mark too. We are human after all. We will fail, slip and we will fall. The important part is what we do when that occurs. Do we acknowledge it, learn from it and pick ourselves back up, or do we lean into that disappointment and onboard guilt to punish ourselves? Guilt is a very poor fuel for motivation and improvement. It takes more than it gives. It erodes confidence and calcifies failure into a debilitating burden.

I love how we talk about science and professions as “practices”.  It is a powerful reminder that our performance is incremental.  We habitually and regularly keep trying, sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing, but forever learning and improving. Living is a practice too! We keep trying. Mistakes occur, but we apply our learning and steadily nudge ourselves closer to the event horizon of proficiency.

Now, if you, like me, have suffered the crushing blow of self-inflicted guilt, it’s time to lose that ailment. Give yourself a dose of mercy. Put some confidence in your fuel tank and drive.  The road ahead is full of practice, potholes and possibilities! Keep driving. Keep learning. And if you slip or falter, remind yourself, as my youngest daughter would say, “Nobody’s perfect!”

When the small satellite TV dishes first started to come out, my dad decided he needed one.  Forever a can-do and frugal engineer, he signed up for the “self-installation” package.  Naturally, that translated to me being on the roof with a bag of bolts, parts and instruction manuals. The kit included a magnetic compass and directions to mount and orient the dish toward the geosynchronous satellite.  A cable ran from the dish into the house to a receiver hooked to the television.  The setup screen displayed the signal strength with an audio signal that went from a low static hum to a solid high-pitched tone when the dish was correctly oriented.  Getting the dish oriented correctly before cell phones was an all day long comedy skit with my dad monitoring the TV yelling out the status to my sister in the yard who was yelling up to me on the roof.  I made slight adjustments left and right then up and down.  There were so many blips, so many signals out there in space.  A solid tone would sing out and we thought we had it.  But no channels were coming through.  It was the wrong satellite.  On to the next. There were so many signals! A few hours later, hunting the vast spans of the evening sky and we finally had the right signal and magic started happening.  The channels finally appeared.

Did you know that humans tune in to signals too?  All around us are broadcasts bombarding us for our attention.  We are awash in notifications, news, texts, alerts, advertisements, emails, words, wishes, sounds, tweets, smells, ideas, campaigns, beliefs, hurts and joys.  It can feel like noise at times, so we hunt for the strongest signal.  What you may not know is that we are hardwired to find certain types of signals.  That’s right, like a satellite receiver dish, our attention is drawn toward certain types of signals.  Psychologist have ample empirical evidence that we are drawn to negative signals.*  The bias to tune in to and amplify negative  information far outweighs our search for positive information.  “Give me the bad news first,” is actually quite true of us.  It turns out that this negative bias starts early and is likely a critical adaptive function for survival for our human family throughout the years.  Unfortunately, it can have a profound implication on our emotional and mental health.  But it is not inevitable.  We have the capacity to choose what we tune in and what we amplify.

Where is your dish pointing?  Is your signal diet overly focused on negative information?  What do you amplify to yourself and others?  We can be deliberate about the signals we consume and rebroadcast.  Review the channel lineup that feeds into your life.  What would you add or remove to make sure the positive signals are coming through?  We need positive amplifiers to counter our negative bias. There is great news, fascinating and inspiring ideas, joy filled hope and emotionally rewarding signals all out there waiting for us. Tune in. Focus and amplify those things that are good, true, positive and encouraging.

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* https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3652533/

“Please Ms. Smith, tell us, who is your favorite?”  A group of kids crowded the teacher’s desk, each with eager, pleading faces. 

“Is it Emma?” asked Mason, resting his arm on the desk with his hands under his chin. 

“I bet it is Isabella,” Mai said, “or Aiden.”  

Jamal chimed in, “No, it has to be Diego, she always calls on Diego.” 

Lily had a mischievous smile, “I think we all know who it isn’t.” The kids giggled and some glanced to the back of the room to see Alexander hunched over his desk with his arms folded. Alexander glared back at them with a snort.  His wild uncombed hair and scowling face seemed to ignite with anger.  The group crowded Ms. Smith even more and started to laugh.  

Alexander was a troublemaker.  He had a standing reservation in the timeout corner and would stir terror in anyone who even looked at him. “That’s enough of that,” Ms. Smith said sternly, “I told you, no favorites. Now, get back to your seats.”  

“But, please, Ms. Smith, tell us!!” the kids sang in a non-stop chorus.

“All right, all right, I tell you what I’m going to do. I’m not going to tell you now, but if you will all quietly go back to your seats, I will show you tomorrow.”  With a flurry of soft “oohs” and squeals, the children all excitedly scrambled back to their seats to finish their lesson for the day.

The next morning came and there was great anticipation in the room.  Ms. Smith arrived with a box.  She placed it carefully on a chair in the front of the room. “Okay class, I told you I would show you who my favorite is. I have put the answer in this box. I am going to allow all of you to come up and take a look, one by one. But you must keep it a secret. This person is extremely important to me. They are worth more than all the money in the world.  They are full of incredible potential and can do anything that they set their mind to do. I know that with their unique talents, they will even be able to change the world.”

“Mason, let’s start with you.  Please come take a look,” Ms. Smith said.  Mason nearly leaped out of his seat and then suddenly blushed, realizing the whole class was watching for his reaction.  Several kids giggled.  He couldn’t wait to see the answer.  When he looked in the box his mouth dropped opened and a huge grin exploded across his face. He laughed and smiled at Ms. Smith and nearly danced back to his seat.  Jamal was next and he too was stunned and then delighted when he looked into the box. A huge smile and arms waving wildly accompanied him back to his seat as if to celebrate being in on the secret.  Next, Lily paraded up to the front and like those before her, she grinned and giggle and put her hands over her mouth in surprise. Then came Isabella, Aiden, Mai, Emma, and Diego.  One by one, every child in the class came to the front to see inside the box, each returning to their seats delighted, excited and giddy as if they had all received a secret prize.  

A hush came over the class.  It was Alexander’s turn.  They all stared at him.  His bitter face and folded arms seemed to suggest he wouldn’t be participating.  But to everyone’s surprise he stood up.  Gasps were heard as he slowly marched up to the front, still with arms folded and an enormous frown.  Then, he looked down into the box.  

Stunned!  His frown split and his mouth opened up wide. Peering down into the black box he saw two wide dark brown eyes staring back at him. He gazed into those eyes, unbelieving for a minute before realizing what the teacher had done.  It was a mirror!  A chuckle formed in his throat and he looked up at the teacher who was beaming a full face smile back at him.  She nodded as if to say, Yes, it is you, Alexander!  The chuckle turned to a lump in his throat.  He turned to see the class, all eyes beaming back at him with smiles of joy and acceptance as if they had all joined a secret club.  For the first time in a long time, Alexander felt included.  In that moment, he belonged. He smiled back at them.  

“Clap, clap, clap,” a round of cheering and applause began to fill the little classroom.  Alexander couldn’t take it any longer.  Big tears welled up in his eyes and started streaming down his dirty face.  He tried to hide them at first and even batted them away but they kept coming.  He sheepishly grinned and looked up at Ms. Smith.

“Class, now you know,” Ms. Smith said smiling, dabbing away at the tears in her own eyes too, “You are all important.  You are all worth more than all the money in the world.  Each one of you is unique and full of possibility. Your future is limited only by what you saw in the box. That’s right, YOU! Give yourself permission to unlock your potential, and go change the world!”

“Everything changes and nothing stands still.” – Heraclitus

When I was a teenager, my family would often drive up to the northeast corner of Oklahoma to go canoeing.  It was always early in the morning when the dew was thick on the leaves.  The cool crisp air would be slowly warming to the rising sun.  We would grab our paddles and slide our boat into the river.  I should probably put quotes around “river” as there were times during the hot and dry springs that these were more like tiny creeks or streams.  In any case, you never knew what you would find.  Parts of the journey would be peaceful, quiet and serene. The water would become still like a mirror.  You could hear your own breathing and the birds chirping in the distance.  There was very little effort needed to keep going forward.  You could sit back and rest, soaking in the quiet peacefulness as the canoe glided by itself through the smooth silvery surface of the deep.  

Then it would happen.  A distant roar would begin to break the silence.  “Rapids ahead!” someone would yell to wake up the crew.  The growing growl soon was accompanied by the sound of churning and splashing water.  The noise became real. The white mist and foam of the rapids was upon us. My heart began to beat faster as the speed of the canoe accelerated toward the sound.  Scrape!  The shallowing speeding water suddenly exposed rocks and gravel that grabbed at the bottom of the canoe.  It would veer to the left, then to the right as it collided with the relentless currents and moss covered rocks.  “Paddle!”  Adrenaline was high as we paddled to steer clear of the obstacles that would quickly flip or split the canoe.  About the time we navigated the last biggest challenge we would round the bend to see a fallen tree blocking our passage.  What do you do?!  Around it, over it or under it?   Most of the time we managed to go around it with vigorous paddling, but there was a time or two where we decided to see how much of the river we could fit in the canoe to ride with us.  In any case, it would soon be over.  Down the stream we would go.  Soon the sound of the rapids would begin to fade behind us as the river smoothed out again.  Breathe.  Relax.  We made it!   

Change is the current of life.  We never know what we will encounter.  There will be unexpected events.  Moments of bliss and joy will land on us like dew.  At other times, the noise of the rapids will demand our fast action.  We will encounter obstacles, scrapes, opportunities, turns and bends that may even tip us over at times. Don’t fear, we can do this!  Grab your oar and begin to navigate the stream.  The future is just up ahead!  Let’s make it what we want it to be.  Keep moving forward!  It’s time to paddle.

Words are amazing.  They can be written, thought, spoken or signed.  They are the concrete structures of our abstract thoughts.  Through words, we represent our world, our feelings and our actions.  Sewn together, words mobilize concepts into story and unfold a connection between the author and the reader.  Through words, I can step into your life and you, mine.  I can feel.  I can relate.  I can sense the flow of my own cognitive energy as well as yours.  Words allow me to grasp and challenge the clarity of the moment, the importance of the thought and the landscape on which our relationships are formed.  Through my words, you can see me.  Through your words, I can see you.

Communication is intimate.  When we speak or write words we become vulnerable.  Part of who we are is made accessible to others.  When those words we send are loving and kind, we feel those warm connections and our brain triggers a neurochemical response making us feel more included, connected and wanted.  When those words are cruel, attacking, or demeaning, we feel a surge of anger, exclusion, insecurity or apprehension.  The words we use and how we respond to them can have a profound impact on our health and the health of others.  They form or they destroy our relationships.  They can build bridges or they can declare war.  But worse than harsh words are no words at all.  When there is a lack of communication it sends a signal of detachment, alienation and separation.  Without words, we distance ourselves from others and sever the chance for connection. 

Communication is vital.  I think we often fail to appreciate the gravity of communication and its role in building and maintaining healthy relationships.  Understanding and connecting to each other is paramount to living a rewarding life and accomplishing our business and personal goals.  We all seem to intuitively know that.  Yet surprisingly, we often fail at communicating, or at least, communicating well.  Have you ever been in a situation where it was clear that there was a misunderstanding but you failed to speak up?  Have you ever thought to yourself that you should reach out to someone to encourage them, but you didn’t follow through?  Or perhaps, you knew there was a difficult conversation that you needed to have, but you just didn’t have the time or courage to do it?  I can relate to those situations and more.  It is vital to communicate, but it doesn’t mean it is easy.

Communication is an investment.  It takes time and energy.  Yes, it is even risky, after all, because it means we become vulnerable.  But it is worth it.  Words are powerful and the dividends are healthy, vibrant and growing relationships.  As my friend, Jeff Gallimore always says, “Sharing is caring!”  Spend some time this week caring for others by communicating.  Share some feedback with kindness.  Make someone’s day by giving some encouragement.  Make the investment.  Connect with others through this miracle we call words. 

“Integrity, honesty, trust, respect, playing by the rules, and teamwork define the operating principles of our Company.” – Bob Iger

It was a tiny three-bedroom house in an older community in Tulsa.  Our small family of three just expanded to four so we welcomed graduating from the tiny apartment to this small single-family home.  Sure, it was a modest place but we loved it.  We had people over. Birthdays, holidays and family gatherings were hosted there.  But while memories were being made, sadly, cracks were forming.  Literally.  It started with some windows that would no longer open, doors that would not close and eventually graduated to full-inch sized cracks in the wall!  What was happening?  Our first home was literally breaking apart around us.

As you probably guessed, it was the foundation.  The house had been built on fill and the support under it was crumbling away.  We were devastated.  We called a foundation repair company who came to fix our broken home. After days of digging, piering and preparing they were finally ready for the fix.  In unison, the workers had assembled around the house and simultaneously activated the ratchets to lift the foundation.  “One, Two, Three… Lift!”  Pow!   It was like a miracle.  We watched all the gaps in the wall close.  The windows worked gain and we could even close the door.

Integrity is a foundational principle.  Our lives, our relationships, and our companies are built upon this foundation.  To me, integrity is like a three-dimensional representation of honesty.  On one axis, it says we seek truth even when it is inconvenient or painful.  Integrity piers deep to find bedrock truth.  On another axis, it demands reliability in word and deed.  What we say we believe and will do, we do.  The concrete of integrity is commitment and dependability. On another axis, it says that we are consistent, single faced rather than two-faced.  We believe, we speak, we do in a unifying way that is honest, truthful and genuine. Wind, water, earthquakes and storms will rage against integrity, but it stands firm, consistent and true.  When integrity is in place, the structures of our lives, society and businesses can be built with speed and confidence.  When it isn’t there, cracks form.  Doors close. Windows of opportunities are locked shut.  Progress stops.

How is your foundation?  I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  We all fail.  There are cracks in our foundation.  We fib to ourselves and others.  At times, we can be lazy or lacking in our commitments.  But we don’t have to stay there!  We can start over.  We can change course and ratchet up the integrity in our lives.   When we do, we activate a powerhouse of dependability, stability and resilience that we can build on.  

Integrity establishes a firm foundation on which we can shape our future, our relationships, our society and our world.  The ground is full of false narratives, inconsistencies, lies and disappointments.  Don’t build your life on that shifting sand.  Anchor yourself to the rock of truth.  Be relentlessly honest with yourself and others.  Be the consistent you that you can be.  Stay the course and keep the faith.  It will inspire others to do the same. “One, Two, Three… Lift!”  Let’s close the gaps.